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Everyone has a different tolerance level for disruption. To say the least, the discrepancy between your standards and those of others (whether it’s your housemate, partner, or children) can be a source of friction.
Cleaning, household chores, and home care are undoubtedly some of the most common causes of domestic conflict.we talked Ashley Edelsteina therapist who specializes in working with young adults on how best to get the people they live with on their cleaning goals.
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hold a housework meeting
Whether you’re starting a new system of recycling, switching to eco-friendly products, or getting people involved in a new cleaning task, Edelstein is a fan of in-home business meetings to foster communication. multiple people. “If you don’t set something formal, it probably won’t be implemented and people won’t take it seriously,” she says. “You can schedule things in advance so people know what’s coming.”
These meetings don’t even have to be in the same room. You can do the same with group chats. In-home business meetings can be used to politely express grievances and resentments, suggest ideas for doing new things, and see how those new things are progressing. Edelstein recommends starting with the “why” when doing Why does it matter to you, and more importantly, why should they care?
If the new system makes things easier or faster for everyone, highlight it! . Then frame new ways of doing things as experiments. Do they agree to try it for a month? If it doesn’t work for everyone, they can try something else or go back to the way it was.
There is no reason to be defensive or confrontational when you (inevitably) receive backlash. Ask them to tell you more about why they’re reluctant to do something new, he advises Edelstein. Is there anything you can understand or see from their point of view? ”
You should approach your domestic business negotiations with four things in mind. Creativity, flexibility, compassion and respect.
If someone doesn’t do their task (take out the trash, etc.), no amount of nudging will persuade them. Instead, we address the discrepancies in cleanliness standards or clutter tolerance as problems we solve together. Will acclimatization (e.g. rubber gloves) help? Are they willing to do part of the job (throw the small trash in each room into the big trash)? Or can we pool our resources and hire a cleaning crew to come in once a week? and validate it,” says Edelstein.
“What you want may not be fair or realistic to expect from your housemate,” says Edelstein. Nothing goes wrong. We may have to meet somewhere along the way.
Could you take turns cleaning every few days? Can you compromise by wiping down the counters every day and doing the general cleaning together every week? Do you have the money to take it and leave no one to deal with it? Or can you trade cleaning the bathroom for another job you hate?
Flexibility means being willing to recognize and change even if what you suggest doesn’t work. This is where regular in-home business meetings come into their own. It is a place to propose experiments and also to get feedback. “Have an interesting conversation,” suggests Edelstein. Ask what’s getting in the way and find out why your changes are causing unnecessary conflicts.
Especially in a roommate situation, even with a spouse, “meeting people where they are and being considerate of different lifestyles, different abilities, different expectations,” explains Edelstein. You may need to completely reframe your thinking.
If you start to feel resentment and insecurities creeping up around your household chores, ask yourself why you have negative energy around your household chores. Even knowing you’re making tough decisions about your roommate can help you figure out what you can actually do. We need to get back to resolution and flexibility to find solutions that work for everyone.
“People can have different lifestyles,” says Edelstein. “Still respect the shared space.” Even as conflicts and resentments begin to mount, you need to treat the people you live with with respect. “You can’t control them, but you can control how you approach them.”
What to do if it still doesn’t work
Resist the temptation to ask about it before the agreed deadline expires. “Did nagging housemates actually work?” asks Edelstein. Even if it worked, it probably cost a lot of money because your roommate was irritated with you, and it didn’t solve the problem.
Similarly, when you feel the urge to do work for them passive-aggressively, acknowledge that urge is there and ask yourself: What do you think will happen if you don’t do this? “
if you that is I’m going to take on a job that someone else has agreed to. At your next housework meeting, start by showing your appreciation and then check in with people. Even if it’s making it difficult to execute, what they need from you, you’re not short on resources, or your expectations are too high.
Then decide together whether to continue trying the proposed solution, go back to what you were doing, or try something else entirely. “It all comes down to whether or not you feel respected by your roommates. Can you let go of some things for harmony?” says Edelstein.
If so absolutely Something you can’t live with and you can If you change your living situation (for example, you’re living with a roommate and your lease is ending), you may need to consider changing your environment, says Edelstein.